The Lesson in the Laundry

I remember standing in this spot one day, folding laundry, and suddenly bursting into tears.  I glanced at my husband who was across the room, watching TV, unwinding from the stress of back-to-back meetings.  Overcome with this surge of emotion, I retreated to the bathroom, because isn’t that where you go to cry when you don’t want to bother anyone?   It’s where you go to splash water on your face, touch up your makeup, point your forefinger at the woman in the mirror, give her a pep talk so she can fix herself and get it together to show up in the other rooms.  Because no matter how much we hide and cry in front of the bathroom sink, or in the shower, Life is always waiting on the other side of the bathroom door.  

I looked in the mirror at my disappointed reflection and I couldn’t stop the tears this time.  That’s what it was.  Disappointment.  Thank God for the moments where I fell apart!  I was disappointed for letting myself get to the point where all my fulfillment lay in whether or not I did all the laundry, cooked everything from scratch or kept the house organized that day. I wanted to do more but I felt like Life was holding me back.  I had too many responsibilities to do anything else but care for my family.  Where would I find time? I clearly didn’t have time to start a business because I already tried and failed - twice - kinda.  I don’t know.  Why bother?   I made a box for my Life that my Life never wanted to be in.  But it was such a nice box though!  Tied with a big bow and everything.  How did I let this happen?

I sobbed silently, with the bathroom door closed.  I poured myself out to God.   Have you ever screamed from the deepest part of yourself without making a single sound? I emptied all my frustration.   I’m not sure how long I was in there.  It felt like I poured my entire Life out in my tears.  For the first time in a long time, I let myself cry.  Really cry.  For the first time in a long time I let myself feel what was inside without policing it by the need to rush to the next task I was responsible for completing.  Something broke off me that day.  Honesty will do that. No matter what it brings up, honesty will reveal what’s been hidden, and there’s so much beauty in what is real, no matter how that reality present itself.  I felt lighter, at ease, and ready to get back to Life.  But more than that, I was ready to be true to myself.  I washed my face, opened the door, and finished folding my laundry.  

My Life wasn’t holding me back.  I was.  Nobody told me I couldn’t start a business and still care for my family.  Nobody told me I couldn’t take time for myself.  Nobody told me I had to stay stuck.  I did.  I felt I needed to choose one thing or the other and I left no room for God’s grace in my Life to move and make room for the dreams inside me to come alive and flourish.  Every seed of a dream planted in me was swollen and ready to take root, but I left no space for it to grow.  I filled my days with tasks and chores.  Oh I was busy alright, and all that busy-ness fed the weeds that choked my dreams.  

That day I made a choice.  I was more than an organized and dependable homemaker.  As much as I love my family, I needed to love myself enough to let myself grow.  I was no longer settling for what I felt Life could give.  I was taking hold of the seed of every dream, and I would nurture it to grow as big as it had the potential to become.  I started to invest in myself.  I didn’t spend a dime at first.  I logged on to YouTube and found motivational speakers, book recommendations, podcasts, sermons, and messages that fed my spirit.  Every unmet goal, every deferred dream had contributed to the starvation of my soul.  I was pouring out to others from an empty cup.  There was one drop left.  I drank it.  It was all I needed.

I’ve spent every day that followed in reflection. In the beginning I journaled, prayed and observed myself as one would observe another person, analyzing my behavior and the sources of my emotions I became an expert in myself. The more I found to uncover, the more I retreated There was a point where I sought out every chance I could to spend time alone The fragile, new version of me wasn’t ready to be seen. Like the first few delicate leaves of a young plant, I needed to shelter myself from the world until I felt I could face it fully. Few knew about this transition. Some people thought I was being “weird”. Some didn’t notice. This time of cocooning cost me some relationships, earned new ones, and repaired others. It was worth it. I found a deeper relationship with God and a new relationship with myself. I found the worth God placed in me since the beginning, before I was born, and I walk in the Light of my own dreams every day - the dreams He placed in me. I’ve invested in coaching, something I never thought I would do. Free program? Challenge? I’m there. But coaching was for other people. I couldn’t afford that. The truth was I could t afford not to invest in a coach.. I remember putting myself through college when I was completing my Bachelors’ degree. I would leave work, jump on the train and be in class within half an hour. I was committed. But this was different. I was learning me. Of all the things I’ve learned, I never became an expert in myself. Coaching took things to the next level. This wasn’t about getting a job. This wasn’t a business training or a certification. This wasn’t what “they” said I “should” do. This was for me. This was an investment in the woman who stood on the other side of the bathroom door, waiting for me to come out. She needed me.

I’m a better woman now. I show up in rooms authentically and unapologetically me. I show up enough, whether I folded the laundry or not. Now the bathroom is where I go to wash off the days I get to live out my dreams, and to prepare for the days ahead. It’s no longer a refuge when I’m overwhelmed, it’s a space where I relax. There’s so much more to say, but I won’t say it now. I have to finish my laundry. No tears this time..